Rain

The closer that we get to the holidays/Christmas the less it feels as though I can really enjoy the moments unless I am intentional about stopping to look, listen and feel as the moments continue to spill into my consciousness.  I guess it's all about choices.  Isn't it always?

In the same breath, I can also say that sometimes God "makes" the choices for you by allowing people or events happen in the course of the day to shock you or get your attention...to make you realize that although sometimes you DESPERATELY want to be in charge of your life and have some say in how it goes, you really don't.  The only choice you do have is what kind of attitude or perspective you hold on to during any given day.  Your emotions don't even get a vote.  They are just feelings.  YOU have them....no one else does.  And while others can try to understand and do their best to listen, no one really does.

unanswered questions

I know that we all deal with questions that roll around in our limited mental spaces that don't have any answers for and probably never will.  You know the ones that I mean...  But then there are the questions that are left unanswered while you are waiting for them to be answered.  It's always about your timing versus the timing of the Almighty.  He sees the whole tapestry and you only see just one or two of the threads, not even knowing if they are threads at all.  And you need to keep going through the day to day tasks, accepting that the answers will come or they won't come and you just don't know.  Sometimes you have to live with not knowing, and work on learning to be accepting and/or comfortable with not knowing.
In any case...it's still "not knowing".  It's still waiting.....still struggling and nothing that you say, don't say, feel, don't feel, do or don't do seems to change the "not knowing".  It can be a helpless state of being.

Prayer:  Lord, I'm in the "not knowing" season of my life.  Your Word says that You are "All Knowing", Almighty, Omnipresence.  Cause me to lean on YOUR Spirit, Your knowing and help me to be dependent on Your Bigness and be aware of my smallness.  Cuz this is just hard.  Help Lord.

Grateful

When God sends an unexpected gift, it's usually one of overwhelming proportion.  Today was one of those days.  Two boxes arrived that were overflowing with love, blessings and memories.  Some of which had stayed hidden in the deep recesses of my mind.  I am grateful God doesn't forget anything and some other sweet folks don't either.

So...I'm here to state I'm very grateful on many levels and in SO many ways for the tall, dark and handsome man that is an integral part of my heart and mind.  He has blessed me and continues to bless me beyond measure.  I am hoping to spend the rest of my life showing him, NOT just telling him how honored and blessed I am to be the lady in his life.

I am grateful for God teaching me and showing me in immeasurable ways what true Godly love is like and that He is so very patient with my learning, especially when I am VERY slow and stubborn.   Thank you God for your faithfulness, your mercy and your constant presence and love.

Thank you, my tall, dark and handsome for being patient with me and loving me every day in the beautiful way that you do.  I am blessed beyond what words can express.  You are my soulmate.

God's paintbrush

God is always surprising me with unexpected gifts at unexpected times.  This morning was one of most SPECTACULAR sunrises that I have ever seen in my life.  No one can tell me that the Almighty hand didn't paint this.  It was just too extraordinary to be explained by anything other than His paintbrush on the skies.  I share it with you.  Enjoy the magnificence and His GLORY!!
Thank you my sweet Jesus for giving me this scene to start my day.

meaning

Isn't life just a search for meaning? Don't we all ask ourselves either directly or indirectly the same questions every day?  Do I belong?  Am I safe?  What's the purpose for all of this?  And we all spend a great deal of time looking for meaning in things, relationships, experiences, alcohol, some sort of drug or addiction, mind games or a sorted number of other activities that we choose to engage in just to fill up time until we come to a place of peace.

Prayer:  Help God!!  I just don't get me or life.  Lead me to meaning.  Show me peace.  Show me Jesus.  Give me grace, grace and  more grace.  No one seems to understand my struggle or even comes close to getting it.  I'm struggling to cope.

rest

By definition rest is.. "to cease to work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself,  or to restore strength".  But is this only referring to the physical definition?  What about the rest for the soul?  the spirit?  In Matthew 11:28 and 29 Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls".  And then in the Old Testament, God says, "Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him."  Psalm 62:1 and lastly from Hebrews 4:10, Paul writes "...for anyone who enters Gods's rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his".

So....first rest is a choice.  God even made this choice to do this on the seventh day.  So He is a model for us.  If we are to follow His lead, then rest is something that we can make a choice to do.
Secondly, Jesus invites us to make this choice by coming to Him when we need rest the most....when we are burdened.  I think that's physically, spiritually, emotionally or mentally or all of the above.  He goes on to say that He will "give" the rest.  It's something that we receive, not something we DO.  One can also make the inference that Jesus gives a kind of rest that is personally designed for each individual, depending on the person, the season of life and the need of your spirit and/or mind.
 Lastly, from the Old Testament passage it uses the word "truly".  God doesn't lie and He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  So if the Bible says "truly" it means "surely" or to put it in terms that I can grasp, "for sure".   So....I can surely receive/find the rest that I need in God.  Salvation - wholeness, health, peace and rest--comes from Him.

So...to begin....we can choose to cease to work or move in order to relax or refresh oneself.  Then we can be open to receive the rest we need.  That too is a choice.   Then we are to "Come to Jesus".  There's choice again.  Prayer....coming to Jesus with our need.  He then can fill us with His salvation.

you

The metaphors for love could be as countless as the stars in the sky.  All of them equally valid because of the person feeling the love and because of the person being loved.

So...to my tall, dark and handsome, I pen these words.   They will be inadequate to express the depth of my feelings, but I hope you are able to get a sense of my heart and begin to comprehend the seriousness of my commitment to you, now and until I take my last breath.

When your voice permeates my being as we talk, I am centered.  I am reminded of who God made me to be, because you listen.  Then when I am able to feel your skin against mine, time seems to stand still and I enter a world of just you and me.....a place of comfort, sensuality, and knowing I am where I belong.  Right next to you.

Joy lavishes my heart when I hear your bold, gregarious laugh and I'm graciously reminded of the little boy inside of you that you are so protective of.

The words "I love you" can appear to be seemingly flippant as I say them every day.  However, they are ANYTHING but flippant.  Encompassing all that you are today and what God will help you to be in the future, I am here to be your partner, your friend and support.   I am honored to know you and walk with you, and consider it a true privilege  to refer to you as "MY" tall, dark and handsome.  I never in my wildest dreams thought God would give me someone with a depth and sincerity as you are.  I am truly blessed.  Thank you for allowing me opportunities to experience and enjoy the person that God has wired you to be.

I love you dear one.  

Challenge...

I really want the gratitude to become a lifestyle, not just a one day event.  I'm engaging in writing down at least three things every day that I'm grateful for.  I've asked my beautiful sweet man to do it with me to share in the joy and to keep me accountable as well.  I challenge you to do it too, for yourself mostly, but also to become more aware of God's grace and develop more joy.  Who wouldn't want that, right?

Day 1 - Here's what I'm grateful for today:

my two precious children
the beautiful heart of my tall, dark and handsome
being able to see better today
a peaceful day without any family drama
the sound of rain outside my window
being able to give and receive love from a wonderful man that God has brought back into my life.

Thank you God for all the gifts that You so graciously and lavishly provide.  I'm so grateful for your faithfulness....humbled and amazed by your LOVE.

traditional day

Happy Thanksgiving!  I have much to be thankful for this year.  Some things are unexpected.  Some things are not.  It's traditional for everyone to say those two words on this day, but I guess I ask myself, "why aren't we thankful (verbally anyway) all of the other 364 days of the year?"

It's a researched and well known fact that those people that adopt a consistent "attitude of gratitude" all of the rest of the days of the year are more joyful people.  They look at life through the lens of the glass half full, instead of half empty.  Even the Almighty stopped at the end of each day of creation and "saw that it was good".

As I was talking to my "tall, dark, and handsome" this morning, I mentioned that life is so much a battle of the mind.  And the only way to win that battle is to choose to renew it with the spiritual food of God's word on a daily basis and to talk to God that way too.

Couldn't we make gratitude a daily goal instead of just once a year?  Would there be less stress?  Less arguments?  Less loneliness?  Less strife?  Maybe even less war and more peace.

Prayer:  Almighty and gracious God, help me to see life through the lens of gratitude, through the eyes of Jesus instead of through my selfish "I don't have enough" eyes.  Help me to hold on to grace.  Grace that is freely given even in the midst of me not acknowledging anything that I'm grateful for.  Oh Lord, pull me closer to your heart, to your side and to your thoughts.  Help me not to be selfish but practice a new tradition of being grateful for your constant care.

revelation

Everything changes....that seems to be an assumption that one can make in our fast paced, over scheduled and frantic lives.  But what doesn't change?  What stays the same?  What can an individual count on?
Well....here's what you CAN'T count on...

• people
• circumstances
• your emotions
• your interpretation of circumstances
• your own thoughts and ideas
• work/job
• media
• politicians
• family (yes, it's true)

The only thing that I've found that I CAN count on is the love and faithfulness of God, in every situation, in every moment.  The hard part is....holding on to that, making it real in your heart (and not just saying that it's real).  And then living like that....revelation....not earthshaking, and certainly something that I have realized before.  I just know I need to keep learning it.  Probably will be until my last breath.

Prayer:  Please Lord, keep me dependent.  Keep me magnifying you.  Let me know that I'm not god.  You ARE.

receiving

Is having a relationship with Jesus about being the right person?  saying the right things? knowing what to do?  Or is having this relationship with the Creator of the Universe likened to accepting His words of salvation and taking it in as your own?  I've heard a well-known pastor/preacher say once that the job of the believer is not in the doing, but in the believing.

Why is receiving so challenging?  Do we deem ourselves so unworthy that we can't even accept a gift from the Giver?  But maybe that's the point.  We ARE so unworthy, that's why we NEED the gift because we can't EARN it or do any kind of performance for the pardon or right standing.  So...the only way that it'll work is if we receive.

Prayer:  Thank you God for your eternal patience with my constant, almost annoying paralysis of analysis on your simple gift of grace.   Forgive me for being so prideful and stubborn.  I confess my dependence on my own intelligence and reasoning. It is absolute arrogance of me to think I could even come close to figuring out what Your plan is.  You are ABOVE every name.  Let me stand and soak in the rain.

A different perspective...the little things

It never ceases to amaze me that God sends you little things when you don't even ask.  He sends a smile from a child, an email with an encouraging word from a friend, a song on the radio at just the right time, and a phone call from the man that you love.  Thank you God for continuing to love me even though I don't deserve it, even though I RUN through my days, focusing only on the tasks to be done instead of on the gifts you have given me.

So....to encourage you...my reader, here's a quote from my favorite, friendly, round fellow named Winnie the Pooh.  Here's some words dear Christopher Robin said to Pooh:

    "Promise me you'll always REMEMBER: 

    you're Braver than you Believe, and Stronger than you Seem, 

    and Smarter than you Think."

      Christopher Robin to Pooh

Prayer:  Thank you God for the little things of the day.  Please forgive me for my lack of gratitude.  Help me be more dependent on you and know who you are.  Pull me in Lord.  

Gratitude

God is good all the time, no matter how I feel, think, believe.

I struggle.  I'm limited in energy, time and intellectual capacity.  I don't know what to pray.  I stop praying.   There are even times that I give up.  But yet God is good.  He is faithful, always faithful, always gracious, always thinking of me.

I want to tell you God how grateful I am for all you are doing in my life every day, but the ONE thing that I want so much, you are either ignoring or delaying or both.  I'm not in control, but I want SO much to do something to help.  Aren't you listening to my heart?  Don't you care?  How much am I supposed to let go??  Let go of it ALL?  The whole dream??  Let go of talking of anything?

Maybe it's about being grateful for having the dream to begin with.  Maybe it's just being grateful for anything and everything that you DO give me, instead of focusing on the ONE thing that doesn't seem like it's a possibility.  I don't think it's about trust anymore.  I think it's about being content with where I am, believing that you'll take care of what I can't even touch.

Prayer:  Please Lord, cause me to be grateful for the every day stuff.  Help me to think it, say it and believe it.  I'm struggling to believe that you care about me and my dreams.   Help me to pray.  Help me to believe that you care.  My tears is all I taste lately.  I don't want to give up, but is that what it means to let go??  Give me YOUR faith, YOUR thinking, YOUR wisdom, YOUR dreams, because all my thinking just makes me sad.  Help me be grateful.  Give me the attitude of gratitude.  

Grace through love

I'm grateful for love, for a love that is divinely orchestrated and one that I didn't pursue or hunt down. It just developed over time. It came to me as a gift.  It stays together only by God's grace, patience and forgiveness...both from HIM and from my "tall, dark, and handsome".
 I love you deeply in my heart sweet man.  Remember every day that I'm yours.  I promise not to give up.  I promise to try my best not to be selfish.   I promise to love you until my last breath.
Thank you for loving me, forgiving me and being your beautiful sweet self.

Another day

It's finally Friday.  This week was no different than any other.  Work demands, home tasks, and emotional/physical needs from people.  And I'm going to give what seems like my constant lament "I'm exhausted".  I know that I get the same 24 hours as everyone else, but why do my days seem to be so full??  And I never am able to find the time to spend being quiet.  Just quiet.

So...what IS the purpose of another day?  What am I supposed to do today?  Go through and do all the same tasks and fulfill the same responsibilities that I did yesterday?  Of course I know that the answer is an undeniable "yes", but...I'm lacking something essential, a reason to keep going, other than the tasks and responsibilities.

I want LOVE.  I MISS my sweet "tall, dark, and handsome".  I miss everything about the man.  Yes, I'm in love with him.  I've been here for quite some time.  It's a wonderful place to be....to be in love with your best friend.  To feel alive...to know that you have someone that believes in you.   It's also a place of uncertainty.....like standing on the edge of a cliff looking over into the dark.  

And I'm learning that love isn't about me, it's about the other.  It isn't about what I want, but helping them to be and do what they want.  It's serving, sacrificing, supporting, forgiving and giving grace, despite my uncertainty and utter terror at the thought of never being able to be with him on a regular basis.  I don't want to be hurt.  Yet I don't want to stop loving.  I don't want to let go, yet I don't see much more than what I am doing right now, in the future.  Is it true what they say?  "It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"???? 

Prayer:  Oh God, dare I ask...would you do a miracle in ME?  I'm lost.  Desperate for you.  I don't know even what I need.  I don't know what to pray.  Help me to let go of what I want.  To let go of my dreams.  Give me faith.  Give me hope.  Please Lord.

Trying to figure it out.....

I've been a Mom now for almost 11 years now.  I thought that knew my daughters.  I thought that I understood the way that they thought, the way that they were wired and some of the gifts that God had given them.  But lately I feel like the more that I try to figure them out, the worse that it gets and more confused I become.  I want so much to have a relationship with both of them, to keep close so that they can know and believe that I'll be their Mom always and they always have my love and support.   I don't know some days what I'm doing.  I feel like I'm scratching in the dark, fumbling for some kind of light switch to turn on to gain some insight on what to do or say next.

Maybe the "growing up" process is as challenging for me as it is for them.  Maybe what I thought would always work with relating to them isn't always going to work and I have to discover new and creative ways to maintain that relationship with each of them.   Maybe I have to stop thinking of myself and just focus on them and letting them teach me.  Maybe I need to pray and ask God what I'm supposed to do.  It's obvious to me in so many little ways that what I'm currently doing isn't working.  I value them.  I want them.  I love them as daughters and as people.  I want them to each know that in their own unique and special ways.

God knows them better than I do.  I just have to admit my weakness and being so limited and ask for help.

Prayer:  God, it's me again.   I'm trying to figure it out and I'm not getting anywhere on my own.  Could you, would you give me YOUR insight YOUR wisdom and your courage to find new and better ways of getting to know and maintain relationships with BOTH of my daughters.  They are so precious to me.  I'm desperate.

Insanity

It's been one of those days where the number of tasks seemed to outnumber the number of minutes in the day.  It felt like insanity....literally running from the moment that I stepped out of bed.  It never stopped throughout the day.
These are the kinds of days when...at the end of the day....I ask myself some questions:

• is the pace that honors God?  or is this the pace that the world demands?
• when life is so busy, and I want so much to do a "good" job at my job, where do I put God?
• is life supposed to be like this?
• do I know how to do life this fast?

I struggle to do the "right" thing.  I WANT to do what would be God honoring...with my job, with my students, with my relationships with my colleagues, with being a Mom and with being a partner to the man that I love.  And while I know that life is a balancing act, every day, I don't ever know how to gauge if I'm on the right track.

And...here's the hardest question of all....is this the Enemy's way of keeping me focused on my performance and what I am doing and keeping my eyes OFF of God's grace and focused on what HE can and will do?  And I forget to pray, I forget to feel, I forget to realize that here is ALL temporary.  

Even after journaling about this and talking it over with my "tall, dark, and handsome", I don't find any answers or any peace.  

Prayer:  Oh God, please help me!  I'm helpless, limited and desperate for Christ alone....I need you Jesus.  Bless me with the mind of Christ and the FAITH to trust you when my small brain is overwhelmed with all of these questions I have no answers for.  Please help....I need you...

God is still teaching me....even in the "Busyness"

It's Sunday....one of the days that I look forward to the most.  Life has been very crazy and yet God is faithful, even though I am not....(NOT EVEN close).  He is involved and stays close. He stays  engaged and connected.  I know that He waits to hear my voice and yet I stay busy, saying out loud to others and to even to myself that "life demands so much of me both from my job and from my family.  I don't have any time to spend with God."  That's not to say that any of these things are bad, in and of themselves, because they are not, but they can become a distraction if a person lets them be.  I am guilty of that lately.

The Enemy looks for ways to make us busy, keep us busy and help us think that our "busyness" makes us important in the eyes of others and in our own eyes and possibly, in His eyes.

Then there are times, in the most unexpected ways, that God slows us down and sends a "holy interruption" to our very planned schedules and He teaches us to listen.  This can come in the form of a quiet conversation with someone you dearly love or from a friend that calls you with a cry for help. It can even come in the way of a computer problem, that no one seems to understand or know how to fix, UNTIL some prayers are sent up to heaven and a solution is presented.

God is teaching me.   I know that He continues to want me to listen and learn...to learn that it isn't about how many things I get done in a day, or how many things I can do today so that I don't have to do them tomorrow (which is something I strive daily to do),  but INSTEAD to learn that HE is the "WAY" of life, the "TRUTH" of living and He is really "THE LIFE" we all look for, not in the things that we "have to do" or accomplish.

Prayer:  Forgive me Lord for being so busy that I make no time for the relationship that you want to have with me.  Help me to listen and TAKE the time to be more like Mary, than Martha.  Listening at your feet, trusting you'll take care of all that concerns me, even my "to do" list.

So grateful

Okay, Lord....I know it's been one of the longest days I've had in a while.  Thank you for giving me strength and energy for the day.  Thank you for providing for all the things that I needed for the people and animals in my life, through people that I didn't expect you to use.  Thank you for your constant LOVE, presence and wisdom.  Many times, the words that came out of my mouth were not my words, but yours, speaking for me, because I was too tired or just simply didn't know what to say. Thank you for your ever flowing grace.  I don't deserve it.

Prayer:  Thanks is all I have to offer Lord.  It seems so inadequate compared to you have given today.  Thank you for loving me.

A Blessed Day

This has been a hectic but blessed day. Got one last hug from the love of my life this morning.  Watched him smile at me and say "I love you" as he walked out to his car.  Wow!!  What a beautiful, gentle wonderful man.    He's helped me to grow in ways that I didn't know that I needed to grow.  He says things to me that I didn't know that I needed to hear and he helps me to see myself in a way that is different than I've looked before.  His kindness OVERWHELMS me.  It's as though God is sending his GRACE through this man in the most amazing and needed ways.

I'm not saying that I'm not sad that he isn't standing close enough for me to hug, touch and love on, because I CERTAINLY am.  The love is deeper than it ever has been, with anyone other person on the planet..  It's intimate, comfortable and I'm at peace with my relationship with him.  I know deep down in my being of the peace I have about this relationship.

I know that I'm not in the most ideal of spots.  The heart hurt is real.  I'm lonely for his touch, his gentle spirit near me, but these past few days were some of the best of my life...and what's so different almost strange about it is that we didn't do anything really out of the ordinary, we just enjoyed each other company, walked through ordinary days, and loved each other, talked to each other and really LIVED......sharing life.

I miss you baby....more than you can possibly imagine.  I'm committed to you and will never stop enjoying who God has wired you to be.  I value you, have high respect for who you are and never want to leave your side.  I love you with my heart and soul.

Prayer:  Lord God, thank you for blessing me with wisdom,  energy for the day, the love of my children and the innumerable blessings that you've given me.   Thank you for sending me love, love that I didn't know that I needed from a man so beautiful and kind.  Thank you Jesus.

What glorious weather for a fall day!  The sun was shining and very few clouds.  I was blessed to go to worship this morning with the man I love.  I got to sit next to him, feel his arm around me and feel the love between us.  I thought that it couldn't get any better.  Worshipping God with a man that He has blessed me with.  I have two beautiful children...both gifts.

Then...we started talking about the future and I started feeling afraid and listening to the Enemy.... that was dumb on my part.  Then my dear sweet man reminded me that I CAN'T listen to the Enemy.  I have to CHOOSE to believe in God more than I believe in my feelings, more than I believe in what I see with my natural eyes and more than I even believe in him.

So...my take away for the day is this...I don't want to continue living in the same fears from the past that I have been living with for the past many years.  I need to pray.  I need to pray simple, heartfelt prayers throughout each day, thanking the Almighty God for all that He continues to give me, all that He HAS already given me and believe His Word before my own thinking.  His Word says in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has a plan for me, a plan for good.  I also need to pray asking for help in simple ways as I travel through each day, because, even though I THINK that I can handle all that life is going to throw at me, I was reminded in a small, but extremely loving way, that I will NOT be able to handle it all on my own.

I need to follow the same peace that I have felt since I began this journey.  God hasn't taken away the peace, so I am going to continue to keep believing this man is the "the one", no matter what kind of darts are thrown my way.

Prayer:  It's me Lord.  Help...help me depend on YOU, not me.  Remind me that I'm NOT God, YOU are.  Remind me (because I'm slow) that YOU love me.  In the power and righteousness of Jesus Christ.  Amen.

Today's Takeaway

It's been the end of an absolutely lovely day.  Spending time laughing and loving my favorite people in the world is a gift from heaven!  I got a chance to hold hands with the man I love with my heart as we walked and talked about life....I saw both of my children laugh and hear them giggle.  I made homemade pizza and made time for a short nap to rest my mind.  All of these are such beautiful blessings.  God is SO good.  I have nothing to complain about.

So, is this this what grace is all about?  God keeps loving me, when I stay away from Him, or stop talking to Him?  He just keeps sending love in so many ways and forms that I can't help but think of him and thank Him for his love.  Scripture states in Psalm 59:16  "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble".

Life is made so complex by humans.  I don't think that God intends it to be that way.  In the moments of silence and quiet times with the ones that are held most dear, true life and love is found in the simple, in the quiet, in the whispers of life.  Not in the busy, or the complex.  Thank you Lord for the your constant gentle love and reminders as I walk through each day.