So....where do I start? It's hell to be forced to give up on a dream.....slowly watch it fade, watch it disappear into what you thought was a "for sure", but now you only hold on to a thread of hope. I guess I realized it today as I was given only a 19 minute phone conversation after a week of not speaking, only texting sporatically. To end it with a question "when will I hear from you again?" He said this evening but as of now, nothing.
I've tried to tell him that I'm tired of waiting days and days to talk. That it feels like I'm begging for crumbs. Its degrading, disrespectful.
I've told him my need to see him, that I miss him, that my anxiety about us is a struggle. I miss him terribly.
He did pursue me. We fell in love.....couldn't wait to talk to one another. Told each other all the personal secrets you only reveal to your beloved. He'd hold my hand or just stand next to me and my whole body would tingle. He made me feel beautiful inside and out. Something that I've never felt with ANOTHER man. He was my friend, my best friend.
It's been months and months....he's killing himself with his job. Does the job really demand all of this time or does he just feel that he HAS to put in that amount of time just to do the job to meet his own expectations of perfection?
He's killing us too. I feel like I have to make an appointment with him. I wait for the phone to go off with his text tone "choo, choo". That's all that there is. I'm tired of asking to be seen and heard and dressing up just to get his attention, when I used to be able to just BE and that would be enough.
The saddest part of all is not for my heart, because EVENTUALLY I'll stop grieving, but what about the hearts of my children?? I'm praying that this time around, God will spare them of the deep scars like from the other person.
Oh Father God....I've prayed so many prayers. All I have is hope to see him again and tell him to his face that I love him. That he changed my life and helped me to lean hard on YOU. I'm letting go...giving up. Not my will Lord, but yours. Please love him deeply, doing everything You can to pursue him and keep him close to you, because only THERE is life.
I love you J.... MORE than you can imagine. I'm sorry for hurting you in any way or being someone that disappoints you. I hope you remember me as someone who has added to your life, that I was there for you and you know that I love you for who you are. That has always been my prayer. You've helped me grow in ways that I couldn't have without you. You are a beautiful man. You're the one. There will be no other. I'm letting you go, hoping that one day, just like at the beginning you'll find me again, only this time you'll stay.
