Changes.....

What do you do when the person you are in love with changes?  Yes, you adapt and "go with the flow".  But what if the changes seem to pulling that person away from you and you wonder whether they want to participate in the relationship anymore or not.  Their words say "yes", but the intensity of the "want to" isn't there anymore and the amount of time has diminished to a point where you feel guilty asking for their time.  Do you ride it out???  Do you ask for what you need and risk pushing them away further?  

I'm sad...the distance is challenging...I feel like a single parent again and I don't even know if you want to parent with me or not.  I wanna tell you how I feel so that you hear me....but will you REALLY hear me??   I've tried....I've really tried.  I want to be understanding.  I want to be loving.  I tried to listen, I've tried to be patient, to be present for you and your needs....but you aren't for mine.  I feel like I get the leftovers, if that.    There are times when I feel like you avoid me or just put up with me, to pacify me, just to get yourself through.  

I need you.....be present for me.  Come back to me.  I miss the connection.  I miss the comfort.  And if you can't, please be honest, and tell me to stay away.  

The "next thing"....building on the same theme....TRUST

I've entered into what writer Wendy Pope in her book Wait and See describes as "the next thing".  Waiting for the man of my dreams without many words of communication, where once there was many.  In other words, holding onto his words of integrity, believing in the love that's been there consistently in the past without many, if any reminders today.  Putting his needs before mine and submitting to the care of a known God.  Continuing to love, support and encourage without getting much, if anything in return.  Is this what love is all about?  God has told me to "keep loving him" and "keep believing".  I heard that just yesterday, twice.

I don't know how to love like this.  My selfishness and the past tapes in my head SCREAM in my head "What about me?? When is it my turn?"  Isn't this a lot like the place that I just left, where I loved and gave and loved and gave, put his needs before mine, and then time after time I got hurt.

And I ask the question....is there still something to wait for? Or am I jumping to conclusions again?

It comes down to my focus...am I focused on what I have or what isn't happening? Am I so accustomed to the pain that this is what I expect?  That the cycle has been silence begets pain and I'm to blame, and I must have done something.  Now I have to fix it somehow.

Now silence has to become my friend despite my feelings of panic and fear.  I need to have a mantra of God being bigger than my feelings and smarter than what I see and that He REALLY DOES understand all aspects of my situation, having them all in His control.

Prayer:  Lord, help me not to worry that he's going to hurt me.  Lord, help me believe that this "next thing" will bring me closer to you and I don't have to worry.  You've got this.  I need YOU to do this in me, because it's beyond me, way beyond me.  Move with Your Holy Spirit, I pray.  Help me love this man the way you would have me love him.

The battle about self

True humility is defined by C.S. Lewis as "not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less."  That means putting the needs of others before self.  Boy, is this a battle about self, or what??  Scripture goes on to say in James 4:6 NLT, "God opposes the proud but give grace to the humble."    Or in plain English....God resists or goes to battle against the proud.  That sure does put it in perspective, doesn't it?  Digging a little deeper though, it's about TRUST.  Trusting that as I set aside my own selfish desires, wants, needs and focus on the needs of others, God's heart of LOVE will take care of me.  He will meet my needs, hear my prayers, see my tears,  mend my heart and do His best for me.  I need to make a choice to trust His heart.

Oh Lord, this is honestly hard. This position calls for courage.  Courage that alone I can't muster.  Do IN me Lord, what I can't do for myself.  Change me, infuse me, get inside of my head....my thoughts, my ideas, my patterns of thinking and help me get a revelation that Your heart towards me is good.  That I can trust YOU, even when the negative thoughts about my circumstances scream at me inside my head and beg me to control, manipulate and get my way....to relieve my fear....especially when I don't see you with my natural eyes.  Put a gag on the voice of the enemy when I desperately feel the need for affirmation of Your Love for me and I don't get it. Help me to remember to speak YOUR truth out into the spiritual realm, so that fear won't overtake my mind and heart.  Draw me close Lord.  Help me to bow in humility, and not throw a tantrum in selfishness.    

Misconceptions

I believe that God has a unique relationship with each person.  WOW!  Isn't that a thought!!  HE speaks to each one of us in a special way....either by circumstances, worship, songs, spoken words from others or maybe through a book that we start to read.  We may be drawn to the title because of the particular life situation we find ourselves in.  God is currently speaking to me through the book I'm reading....to get me to think differently about HIM and my view of the world.

So...the book is entitled Wait and See by Wendy Pope.  It's about God's purpose for our waiting and waiting well as a woman of God.  I'm not so sure I fit the "woman of God" category but the waiting part certainly fits.

Here's the thing that slapped me in the face this morning...."misconceptions about waiting".  I didn't think that there could be so many lies about waiting that the enemy would throw at me, but there are.  And the way that he uses those lies to lead you away from the Person of my faith and get my eyes to focus intensely on the "OBJECT of my wait".  I've sinned....plain and simple.  I've let the enemy pull me away from God and look daily on what I don't have, what's NOT happening.

Misconception #1  If I am waiting, I must not have heard God correctly.
"We give up too easily because we don't see what we want to see when we want to see it."  I need to fight my negative thoughts and emotions along this journey by revisiting the times when I've heard and felt the Holy Spirit's voice or nudging.  Traveling down memory lane is something that I need to do, as well as asking God for clarity and assurance.

I think the part that hit me the hardest was when she suggested that it's important to "invite God into our wait from the beginning".  I know that I haven't done that.  I've tried so many things on my own and nothing has worked.    That walking with Him, not in front of Him, behind Him or completely on my own, hopefully will teach me to TRUST His delays rather than doubt His ways.  I NEVER thought about TRUSTING His delay.

Fighting the spirit of discouragement on my knees, referencing Isaiah 64:4 -
"For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither have the eye seen, O God, beside you, what He has PREPARED for him that wait for Him."
The invitation of this verse is to direct the lens of my hopes, desires, and dreams to God, rather than the object of my wait.

I'm learning Lord.  You are a patient teacher, one that doesn't mind reteaching and using all kinds of methods of repeating the same concept until my stubborn will and brain get it.  I am sorry....for my stubbornness, my lack of trust, my lack of prayer and turning to You, but mostly I'm sorry for hurting someone that I dearly love in the process.

Prayer:  Gracious God, Thank you for this book.  I haven't heard you say anything about this circumstance but "just keep loving him".  I know that's the place of peace because those instructions came from YOU.  All the other things that I thought I heard were words from the enemy, working diligently to get me to focus on my fears and my present wait.  Help me God to TRUST Your delay, not doubt what You are doing.  Force me down on my knees to pray instead of worry.  Nudge me OFTEN to go down memory lane where the memories are sweet and bring joy and love to my soul.  I ask for your forgiveness and grace, Lord.  Give me another chance.  In His name I come to your throne of mercy.  Jesus.... Amen.  

Words

As I pen these words, I first ask the Holy Spirit to guide my fingers as they tiptoe over the keys.  I want God to speak through and in my words.  You see, words, I've been told, are containers of power, either for life or for death.  But what I didn't realize is that words can be part of the way that we think about relationships, either being one that's life-giving or one that produces fear, shame and unpredictability.  I've also learned that love, communicated through words isn't predictable. It's UNpredictable.  At least, that's the way it was. Something said one day, was good just for that day or only that moment.  I learned quickly that words and their meanings were temporary, as was the moment they were spoken.  Furthermore, the person that spoke the words was also unpredictable, because the same words spoken another day could mean, and many times DID mean something different.  My memory, instead of being a friend I relied on, became an enemy, because when I went back to it, I was told, "You heard that wrong" or "I never said that". that I was confused.  It even got to the point that I couldn't even believe myself.  

The power of words to communicate love, feelings, ideas, emotions:  to help one person to connect to another was altered/damaged, and so was the soul that lived by those words. Then I took that relationship that I had with the unpredictability of words into my adult life and used it as a the filter for which future relationships was based.  

Now I'm involved with a man that really LOVES and what he says is what he means, and what he means is what he says.  He loves with his faithfulness, his consistency, his integrity, his words and actions being the same every day, believing in the couple that we have come to be.  Then there's me who doesn't know how to believe that LOVE could stay like that over the course of days, months or years, because it never has been REAL love like this before.   

What's more is that the soul that is damaged, can't see the WORD of God as being one that is predictable or alive FOR me, because it's SO much out of the sphere of what I've always experienced "normal" to be.  

So, God is teaching me about words.  Words ARE containers of power....either for love or fear, giving life or producing fear.  He is teaching me that the world that I grew up in needs to be healed by His Spirit...to transform the relationship that I have with words.    

Prayer:  Lord, I desperately want to believe in YOUR WORD, the Word of LOVE from you and from others.  Teach me, show me, reveal to me what words are real and what words I should discard.  Transform my hearing, my thinking, my damaged soul so that I can believe in words spoken out of love, that they won't be taken from me.  Help me to believe in LOVE, in BEING LOVED, not always afraid that love will be taken away at a moment's notice without warning or provocation. Teach me Lord that YOU love me and that He loves me too.  Help my unbelief.  In Jesus' healing blood I pray..... 

in the midst

In the midst of the daily stuff....there's no more control....there's not even more influence.  Okay God, I feel that all of my life is now in the state of just "BEING".....that I'm just "doing it".  What am I supposed to be learning?  What ARE you doing?  I don't see anything.   I don't feel anything.  I think that someone once told me (and this came to mind as I am literally typing these words)...."Faith isn't really faith, until that's ALL you have.".  I could seriously pound the walls, scream at heaven, continue asking, pray, listen to worship music....but still there's no movement.  Then I hear at church, a voice that just says "just keep loving him".

I know that You are protecting me, in a way, and my daughters too from all the pain that would be happening if I was actually living there.  I wonder too, how much pain there's going to be when I really DO live there and I don't have much of a support system.  I don't know how much he'll support me.  He's so involved in his job....sometimes I feel like I'm part of the wallpaper.   But my job isn't much better.  I'm not important there either.  Just someone filling a position.  

So...who likes waiting?

Lately I've been struggling with waiting.  Let's be honest, I'm just SICK to death of waiting for God to intervene and cause something very near and dear to my heart to happen.  And in the past weeks and months, the "feeling of waiting" has intensified to point of making me angry and sad, almost apathetic, MOST of the time.  I simply DON'T understand why the delay!

Yes, I know the drill....it's "all for God's glory", or "it's for your good", or my personal favorite...."to get all those  that are involved ready too".  While that's all fine, well and good on the surface, that kind of head knowledge, does nothing for my constant heartache....the longing that goes unfulfilled. When I'm in the dark, alone, in the middle of the night, tears are dropping and it feels like nothing I say or feel, or do matters to ANYONE.  Worse yet, it's not motivating the  Creator of the Universe to move me out of the stalled position that I seem to be in.

You see, I fell intensely in love with a beautiful man.  He's a gift from heaven.  I didn't pursue him. He came as a gift, one that came to me and still pursues me today.  It's a rare type of relationship.....with a high level of comfort, trust and transparency, common values and history.  I feel no need  to "fix him" or "rescue him".  I just plain ENJOY him, almost everything about him.  Then there's the ability that we both share called our "personal wifi" where we are able to feel each other's presence or spirit, even though there are miles.  He's a rare man....good looking on the outside...a head turner, and inwardly, he maintains integrity and gentleness and has a huge heart, displaying an unprecedented love.

As the weeks and months have ticked by, sometimes quickly and other times, like now, painfully slow, I ask the nagging question, what's the reason for my wait?  I wrestle.  I question, again and again. Nothing.  I cry and ask.  Nothing.  I process and ask.  Still nothing.  Then I wonder why the silence too.  It becomes a murky blob of mess.  I've become depressed, frustrated and haven't the slightest clue how to continue this relationship or IF to continue at all.

"I love him!!" I scream as I look upward towards a blank ceiling (secretly hoping that someone important is listening).  "Why aren't you listening???" I ask, now whispering through the tears.  "I just wanna love him!"

It's funny how God tries to get your attention when you are angry, frustrated or NOT getting your way.   For me it was an email that gently appeared in my inbox a few days ago.  It contained the following Scripture verse.....Isaiah 40:31

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. NASB

Then in another email, I hear JP talk about the same verse in this video. Same verse, two emails, same day?  Coincidence?  Highly unlikely.   JP refers to waiting on the Lord as being "intertwined with Him".  My curiosity was piqued.   Upon further research, I came upon this thought provoking article where the author Steven Wickstrom expands on the meaning of the Hebrew word for "wait". (Great article!)   The literal meaning is to "bind together like a cord".  When the strands of a cord are bound together, there is strength.  Continuing by using the Scripture verse about the strength of a three stranded cord.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says “… a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

So....who likes waiting?  I certainly don't.  In plain terms, it sucks, especially when there's pain.   I have no insightful conclusions from all my rambling, and no angelic "hallelujah chorus" will suddenly appear in the sky.  I can't even answer my own questions.  I just want God to fix it and do it now!  But that's not happening.  And if wishes were horses, we'd all have them.  I love him Lord....I love him!!!!  "Please help..." is all I can muster out of my mouth, hoping that He is doing something on my  behalf.  

Prayer:  Lord, please help me to keep praying...to keep trying to stay "intertwined" with You as best as I can.  I'm weak, I hurt, and I need your help, desperately.  Please help me to believe that you hear my heart and my pain matters to YOU.  Show me whether to keep loving this man or to say "goodbye".  I really want to do right thing for everyone, especially my children.  Thanks for being patient with me.  With my heart.....  

Jesus was LED

This morning I was trying to start my day slowly.  The first Scripture passage I read was in conjunction to a devotional about our identity.  Matthew 4:1, "Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil..."  Here's what I heard through the Holy Spirit about this small bit of Scripture:

• "led by the Spirit"  The same Holy Spirit that intercedes for me and guides me through each day was present that day for Jesus.  This gives me a connection with the Almighty that I didn't realize that I had.  We are connected with the same Spirit.  That has an amazing comfort and security to it. The Holy Spirit was guiding and prompting Jesus, the Son of God, that day as He can with me every day.  
• "being led"  With these words, you can infer that Jesus followed willingly.  He went into a place He knew would be challenging....the wilderness.  Doesn't sound very friendly or fun.  Certainly not supportive by any means.  But yet....He chose to go, knowing full well what was coming.  And yet he still went.  I don't know if I would have gone "willingly", knowing that I was going to meet the devil himself.  Who in their right mind would CHOOSE that....willingly?  Yet He did.  He would only have the Spirit to guide him and support him. Did he feel alone?  Scared?  I wonder what He prayed as heard the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  
• The passage goes on to say that "He was hungry".  He had fasted for forty days and forty nights.  I know that  being hungry is a hard place to be physically.  It's challenging to focus, much less focus on doing any kind of tasks.  And He must have been VERY hungry after not eating for forty days and nights.  His body must have felt weak and his mind probably was only on his growling stomach. 
• The passage also speaks to the purpose of being led:  "to be tempted".  He was going there for a TEST.  I wonder why the Holy Spirit was leading Him to a place of testing.  Did He need to grow in some way inside of Himself?  Did God the Father need to see Him to pass this test before He would go through all the other tests that he would have in his ministry.... with the Pharisees or the disciples and their issues?  Was it to build his confidence? Or was it a place of preparation?   I can't imagine that Jesus would need any confidence building as He was already the Son of God. But He might have needed some experience to prepare him for the spiritual battles that lie ahead of Him.

  This passage was rich with insights.  God allows tests in our lives.  We even may be led by the Holy Spirit, not to harm us but to grow us up in Christ, to prepare us for a place of greater ministry and impact on the lives of other people. He wants us to use the Word of God as the "Sword" to fight and win the battle, no matter what the physical, emotional or mental challenge, just as Jesus did in this situation.  He repeatedly said, "It is written...."  

At the end of the test, Scripture says, "So the devil left Jesus and the angels came and took care of Him."   They probably brought him everything that He needed:  food, water, rest and I can hear the Father saying to him, "Good job Son!  I'm proud of you!"

Patience and kindness

1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

JP always mentions the importance of "firsts" or what is mentioned first in Scripture should be given special attention because it is first.  So...the question is.....why is patience and kindness given first place in the definition of love?

Patience is defined as:  the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Kindness is defined as: the quality of being friendly, generous or considerate OR
as in the Urban Dictionary....the act of going out of your way to be nice to 
someone or show a person you care.

Upon further research, I found that when looking for patience in other Scripture passages, the concept of perseverance and endurance were close companions. One then can make the connection that patience, is not about just the "capacity to accept or tolerate delay" but about perseverance....the enduring....extending over (sometimes) a LONG period of time....even through undesirable or unpleasant circumstances.

So...why is patience and kindness required first for love? More importantly, what does this tell us about our loving God?

Patience and kindness, in all honestly, flies in the face of pride.  We want to be heard.  We want our own way, NOW.  We do not want to wait.    We do not understand why we have to wait and we do NOT see why waiting or being nice to someone will help at all.  Least of all, how it will help US!!  This is contradictory to the way all of us are wired organically.

 Love....putting patience and kindness first.... requires putting the other persons' needs and wants before our own. Persevering and enduring through time, even though we don't get what we want. This asks that we believe that loving....giving up controlling the circumstances....for the good of another, is what REAL love is about.  Actively giving up our pride and trusting that there is good where we are. Widening our view beyond ourselves to graciously include others and look at them first. 

Lastly, if this is what God has required of us when it comes to love, I know that means that's WHO He is and how He will love us...with patience and kindness.  Now that gives hope....God persevering and enduring my mess ups...not giving up on me....looking at my needs first and giving unending grace.  Now that's hope. 

Thank you LORD for being a GOD of love....having patience and kindness being number one!

Writing

Okay, so I haven't been at the computer to word process one word of my emotions in over three months.  There's so much of life that happens in a span of one day, much more in the large span of months, but where does one find the time for all that needs to be done.  How do you prioritize when EVERYTHING seems to be important?  Vital?  Needs to be done?  And as a single Mom too...
I guess I ask myself if I like to write because it's a way to get out my thoughts on "paper" or if God has really given me a gift to express my struggles/emotions/experiences for the benefit of others.

So...it was something my eldest daughter said to me just yesterday when she quoted a piece of Scripture that goes something like this...."Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding  In all of your ways acknowledge him and He will direct your paths".    Prayer would probably be in order about this topic, now wouldn't it?

Led by the Spirit

So....the question still remains....is everything important? or is nothing important?  If you believe that there is a God that is in charge of all of what we experience on a daily basis, even the numbers of hairs on your head, then EVERYTHING is important.  If you don't believe in that Higher Power, that is intimately involved in everyday details, no matter how small or big, then nothing is important.

Furthermore, if God allows or causes the events to happen according to his His plan and have been written in His Book of Life from before you were born, then you have to hold on to the belief that even the delays, frustrations, challenges, and yes, even the pain that you experience, is all part of the plan for you,  personally, to grow and be changed by His Hand, His Leading and His GRACE.  It's the leading of His Spirit.  We never really recognize it as it happens, but rather, in retrospect.  Then, if we take time to reflect and really LOOK,  it is evident that there was a "Hand" at play to guide, encourage, prompt and be involved in the small as well as the big events of our lives.

Now...there is a battle every day for the minds and hearts of those that want to BE led.  It's the battlefield of the mind.  That's where it rages.  It strikes in the mudane moments of the day, as well as the highly emotional ones, where, if led, can get someone totally off track.  It's those wonderful things we call emotions.  The Enemy has a hay day with those and any other thought that he can send into our mind that makes us doubt in the love and grace of God.

Prayer:  Lord, as I walk through the day, let me hold on tightly to YOUR words, YOUR grace and YOUR leading.  Help me recognize when thoughts are not my own and emotions are raging to get me off track.  Help Jesus to not let go of your hand and give up.  I need your strength, your wisdom and your hand in my life, in all the small moments as well the big ones.  Thank you for your faithful LOVE, even though my efforts towards you are so minimal.  I am amazed by your grace.  Amen.