Hello Father God,
It's me C. I know that you are good. You've been speaking to me all day through your Word and through the circumstances of my life and through the people, both those that chose to participate and those that didn't. I'm asking you to give me peace in whatever you bring into my life, be it painful or happy. Please show me that you continue to work on my behalf even if I don't have the slightest idea what you're doing or why things happen as they do.
I'm struggling with anger, pain, disappointment and anxiety. I wake repeatedly during the night thinking that something will be on my phone as an answer to my prayers for him to be there, but he isn't. Please Abba cause my heart to see what is best and that You DO love me and ARE caring for me.
I want this so much my body aches, my heart hurts and my stomach is constantly in knots. The silence is hard. You are teaching me gently with your Holy Spirit to talk to YOU in the silence, that it's not really bad, but an opportunity to talk to you and pour my heart out to you and that you listen and hear me.
I love him Abba. I dreamed of being partner, his wife. That one day he would want me, like he did. I wanted a father for my daughters. HIM. Not what he does, not his money, not his status, not even for the fact that I would be part of his family, but just the privilege of being with him, to enjoy him, to talk with him, to share the daily moments and walk together, loving, growing together in faith.
Do I love too much? Is he so used to being abused and talked down to that he doesn't know what to do with kindness? Is he not interested anymore? I can't keep pushing, because I feel at times, that I'm the only one trying and if I stop trying, he wouldn't even notice anyway. That makes me so sad, rejected actually. Maybe one day he'll notice. I hope he does. I am hoping and praying that he is part of YOUR plan for me.
Thank you Father Daddy for the gift of love, the sweet memories, especially the ones on the bike with him in the Smoky Mountains. It was a fulfillment of a dream, a SWEEEET dream that I get to relive over and over. No one can take them away from me, not even him.
Would you bless him Father God? Cause him to grow and hunger for Christ and YOUR Word more than anything in his present life, more than his job, more than anything, because I know that's where TRUE life really is!! Bless him with health, sleep and healed family relationships that bless him all the way to his last days. Bless him Father with love and peace, from only Jesus and with success YOUR way, not in his definition. Hold him close and protect him from fear, angry and disappointment. Please help him to remember me as someone that loved him dearly for who he is. Whisper in his heart that I'm a lady who believes in him and wants nothing but the BEST for him all the days of his life, with every prayer that I lift up for him. Would you tell him he was blessed by loving me?
You are a gracious God. I love you Abba. Thank you for listening. In Jesus name I pray you hear my heart and cradle both my daughters hearts in the days and months to come. They are going to need you more than ever. Your daughter, C
