In the midst of the daily stuff....there's no more control....there's not even more influence. Okay God, I feel that all of my life is now in the state of just "BEING".....that I'm just "doing it". What am I supposed to be learning? What ARE you doing? I don't see anything. I don't feel anything. I think that someone once told me (and this came to mind as I am literally typing these words)...."Faith isn't really faith, until that's ALL you have.". I could seriously pound the walls, scream at heaven, continue asking, pray, listen to worship music....but still there's no movement. Then I hear at church, a voice that just says "just keep loving him".
I know that You are protecting me, in a way, and my daughters too from all the pain that would be happening if I was actually living there. I wonder too, how much pain there's going to be when I really DO live there and I don't have much of a support system. I don't know how much he'll support me. He's so involved in his job....sometimes I feel like I'm part of the wallpaper. But my job isn't much better. I'm not important there either. Just someone filling a position.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Saturday, September 3, 2016
So...who likes waiting?
Lately I've been struggling with waiting. Let's be honest, I'm just SICK to death of waiting for God to intervene and cause something very near and dear to my heart to happen. And in the past weeks and months, the "feeling of waiting" has intensified to point of making me angry and sad, almost apathetic, MOST of the time. I simply DON'T understand why the delay!
Yes, I know the drill....it's "all for God's glory", or "it's for your good", or my personal favorite...."to get all those that are involved ready too". While that's all fine, well and good on the surface, that kind of head knowledge, does nothing for my constant heartache....the longing that goes unfulfilled. When I'm in the dark, alone, in the middle of the night, tears are dropping and it feels like nothing I say or feel, or do matters to ANYONE. Worse yet, it's not motivating the Creator of the Universe to move me out of the stalled position that I seem to be in.
You see, I fell intensely in love with a beautiful man. He's a gift from heaven. I didn't pursue him. He came as a gift, one that came to me and still pursues me today. It's a rare type of relationship.....with a high level of comfort, trust and transparency, common values and history. I feel no need to "fix him" or "rescue him". I just plain ENJOY him, almost everything about him. Then there's the ability that we both share called our "personal wifi" where we are able to feel each other's presence or spirit, even though there are miles. He's a rare man....good looking on the outside...a head turner, and inwardly, he maintains integrity and gentleness and has a huge heart, displaying an unprecedented love.
As the weeks and months have ticked by, sometimes quickly and other times, like now, painfully slow, I ask the nagging question, what's the reason for my wait? I wrestle. I question, again and again. Nothing. I cry and ask. Nothing. I process and ask. Still nothing. Then I wonder why the silence too. It becomes a murky blob of mess. I've become depressed, frustrated and haven't the slightest clue how to continue this relationship or IF to continue at all.
"I love him!!" I scream as I look upward towards a blank ceiling (secretly hoping that someone important is listening). "Why aren't you listening???" I ask, now whispering through the tears. "I just wanna love him!"
It's funny how God tries to get your attention when you are angry, frustrated or NOT getting your way. For me it was an email that gently appeared in my inbox a few days ago. It contained the following Scripture verse.....Isaiah 40:31
Yes, I know the drill....it's "all for God's glory", or "it's for your good", or my personal favorite...."to get all those that are involved ready too". While that's all fine, well and good on the surface, that kind of head knowledge, does nothing for my constant heartache....the longing that goes unfulfilled. When I'm in the dark, alone, in the middle of the night, tears are dropping and it feels like nothing I say or feel, or do matters to ANYONE. Worse yet, it's not motivating the Creator of the Universe to move me out of the stalled position that I seem to be in.
You see, I fell intensely in love with a beautiful man. He's a gift from heaven. I didn't pursue him. He came as a gift, one that came to me and still pursues me today. It's a rare type of relationship.....with a high level of comfort, trust and transparency, common values and history. I feel no need to "fix him" or "rescue him". I just plain ENJOY him, almost everything about him. Then there's the ability that we both share called our "personal wifi" where we are able to feel each other's presence or spirit, even though there are miles. He's a rare man....good looking on the outside...a head turner, and inwardly, he maintains integrity and gentleness and has a huge heart, displaying an unprecedented love.
As the weeks and months have ticked by, sometimes quickly and other times, like now, painfully slow, I ask the nagging question, what's the reason for my wait? I wrestle. I question, again and again. Nothing. I cry and ask. Nothing. I process and ask. Still nothing. Then I wonder why the silence too. It becomes a murky blob of mess. I've become depressed, frustrated and haven't the slightest clue how to continue this relationship or IF to continue at all.
"I love him!!" I scream as I look upward towards a blank ceiling (secretly hoping that someone important is listening). "Why aren't you listening???" I ask, now whispering through the tears. "I just wanna love him!"
It's funny how God tries to get your attention when you are angry, frustrated or NOT getting your way. For me it was an email that gently appeared in my inbox a few days ago. It contained the following Scripture verse.....Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. NASB
Then in another email, I hear JP talk about the same verse in this video. Same verse, two emails, same day? Coincidence? Highly unlikely. JP refers to waiting on the Lord as being "intertwined with Him". My curiosity was piqued. Upon further research, I came upon this thought provoking article where the author Steven Wickstrom expands on the meaning of the Hebrew word for "wait". (Great article!) The literal meaning is to "bind together like a cord". When the strands of a cord are bound together, there is strength. Continuing by using the Scripture verse about the strength of a three stranded cord.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 says “… a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
So....who likes waiting? I certainly don't. In plain terms, it sucks, especially when there's pain. I have no insightful conclusions from all my rambling, and no angelic "hallelujah chorus" will suddenly appear in the sky. I can't even answer my own questions. I just want God to fix it and do it now! But that's not happening. And if wishes were horses, we'd all have them. I love him Lord....I love him!!!! "Please help..." is all I can muster out of my mouth, hoping that He is doing something on my behalf.
Prayer: Lord, please help me to keep praying...to keep trying to stay "intertwined" with You as best as I can. I'm weak, I hurt, and I need your help, desperately. Please help me to believe that you hear my heart and my pain matters to YOU. Show me whether to keep loving this man or to say "goodbye". I really want to do right thing for everyone, especially my children. Thanks for being patient with me. With my heart.....
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