in the midst

In the midst of the daily stuff....there's no more control....there's not even more influence.  Okay God, I feel that all of my life is now in the state of just "BEING".....that I'm just "doing it".  What am I supposed to be learning?  What ARE you doing?  I don't see anything.   I don't feel anything.  I think that someone once told me (and this came to mind as I am literally typing these words)...."Faith isn't really faith, until that's ALL you have.".  I could seriously pound the walls, scream at heaven, continue asking, pray, listen to worship music....but still there's no movement.  Then I hear at church, a voice that just says "just keep loving him".

I know that You are protecting me, in a way, and my daughters too from all the pain that would be happening if I was actually living there.  I wonder too, how much pain there's going to be when I really DO live there and I don't have much of a support system.  I don't know how much he'll support me.  He's so involved in his job....sometimes I feel like I'm part of the wallpaper.   But my job isn't much better.  I'm not important there either.  Just someone filling a position.