God really DOES meet us exactly where we are, in every moment. He IS really intimately involved in the details of life. I've seen evidence of this in my own life as the days have enfolded: in people, circumstances (good and bad) and through words spoken or left unspoken. I just didn't see this truth when the pain was so great. All I could see or wanted to see was the pain.
"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives." Psalm 37:23
So...now it's just me and God. A seriously terrifying unknown. The final frontier. (Yes, I'm a Star Trek fan.) I'm starting to walk through the grief, starting to see glimpses of life. Laughter isn't as forced anymore and getting out of bed isn't such a chore. Grief, yes with a capital "G", is really real yet. It can rear it's ugly head at unexpected and unwanted moments, sparred on by a smell, a scene, or even the wind blowing through my hair. Then the evidence has to be quickly wiped away, having to subsequently come up with some lame excuse to a passerby that there must have been strong perfume lingering in the air. Love never really does "fade away" for me. It was SO hard to believe it then and I CERTAINLY don't believe it now! Loving with my heart is at the core of my divine wiring. Even when the person isn't physically present, the love remains and runs through almost every single body motion, thought process and circumstance. I suspect that this is part of the grieving process and the sting will soften with time but the love will remain.
So....what's next? I don't see anything but what's in front of me. Just more of the same. Not that it doesn't have any substance, because I'm a Mom and that's vitally important to the future of two beautiful human beings, but I don't see love in my life again. When chances for a partner/mate were handed out, I think I missed the memo, or only got a one way ticket, with no funds to return.
In addition, a life lesson has started to emerge from the rubble. I've realized the incredible power that a simple sentence can have on the trajectory of another person's life. It's disgusting and humbling at the same time. My daughter would refer to this as the "domino effect", one spills into another and then another until they are all down. But what if hope can build them back up one at a time, with the contractor being the Holy Spirit.
I'm praying to The Great Healer that the invisible, not physically present forces help to rebuild what has been damaged. That Love, hope, joy, trust and peace will come back into focus. I just need to seek the Kingdom first. Everything else will be added. His promise. I'm holding on to that.
