I've entered into what writer Wendy Pope in her book Wait and See describes as "the next thing". Waiting for the man of my dreams without many words of communication, where once there was many. In other words, holding onto his words of integrity, believing in the love that's been there consistently in the past without many, if any reminders today. Putting his needs before mine and submitting to the care of a known God. Continuing to love, support and encourage without getting much, if anything in return. Is this what love is all about? God has told me to "keep loving him" and "keep believing". I heard that just yesterday, twice.
I don't know how to love like this. My selfishness and the past tapes in my head SCREAM in my head "What about me?? When is it my turn?" Isn't this a lot like the place that I just left, where I loved and gave and loved and gave, put his needs before mine, and then time after time I got hurt.
And I ask the question....is there still something to wait for? Or am I jumping to conclusions again?
It comes down to my focus...am I focused on what I have or what isn't happening? Am I so accustomed to the pain that this is what I expect? That the cycle has been silence begets pain and I'm to blame, and I must have done something. Now I have to fix it somehow.
Now silence has to become my friend despite my feelings of panic and fear. I need to have a mantra of God being bigger than my feelings and smarter than what I see and that He REALLY DOES understand all aspects of my situation, having them all in His control.
Prayer: Lord, help me not to worry that he's going to hurt me. Lord, help me believe that this "next thing" will bring me closer to you and I don't have to worry. You've got this. I need YOU to do this in me, because it's beyond me, way beyond me. Move with Your Holy Spirit, I pray. Help me love this man the way you would have me love him.
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