"Time heals all wounds" is a common phrase some people say when they don't know WHAT to say to someone in a season of grief. I don't believe in this. I think that time helps us walk through the pain, betrayal and seemingly constant stream of unanswered questions. Wounds may or may not heal. However, in the day to day, minute by minute process of trying to make sense of the loss, I've been confronted with questions about God and my worth or the lack thereof. Does love really just "fade away"? I don't understand that. I guess that's the reason that after hearing those words, I still have a sense of bewilderment and being totally blindsided.
Did he just take advantage of my love, knowing that I would continue to be loyal and trusting because I wouldn't know what his life was really like 950 miles away? And I WOULDN'T have found out anything either!! I know that Christie was a relationship that he had for a year....the same year that he was supposedly having a long distance relationship with me. And he sought HER out through a dating website. Was it about making sure he had access to sex? Going to Daytona together too. Doesn't that make me look stupid? And then now there's the claim that "he's struggling too" as he moves to a condo in Florida, only 6 weeks after his "breakup email" dropping me like a stone, saying that the reason for me leaving was his job. Yeah, right. I don't believe that he's struggling or that the job had anything to do with it. He had a plan the whole time and I was played like a fiddle. He's a researcher, a planner, a thinker and doesn't do anything without thinking through it and contemplating all the possible outcomes and having it all well laid out.
It makes me feel used and foolish, like a discarded piece of trash.
How could he be so dishonest? I think he's a COWARD, hiding behind silence and the screen in front of him. He avoids really confronting the "real" issues of life and relationships, the stuff that may be hard to walk through, but definitely necessary if you want to have any REAL life, honest living. I think he's lived in fear for so long that he doesn't know any other way TO live. REAL life is lived in TRUTH, whether it be hard to face or not.
Was I just a means to an end? A way to get him through the "hard" place in his life? only to return to a relationship that he over and over said was "TOXIC" for him?????
I know that one of the worst aspects of all of this is the shame, the constant aching inside my being that I loved him with my whole self, my whole heart, and now there's nothing but betrayal and rejection. A hole, a loss, and so much damage for myself and my family, so many layers of pain. I know that I haven't seen the depth of it or the ripples that will reach into many areas of my life and my children's lives. And for him to casually discard me and my feelings is downright disgusting for me. To think that at one time, he acted like I did matter, saying things like "you only need to be yourself....that's all I want", and now there's not even the simple regard for my existence. I shake my head in disgust both at myself and my utter faithfulness to him in the midst of this.
Now I question God's love for me and His "real" concern for my feelings or words. I question my worth. I question whether I'll be alone for the rest of my life and whether or not that would be the safest route to take. I ask whether dreams are a fallacy. I question whether I can trust my own judgment or if I should really stay OUT of other people's lives. I ask myself almost daily if hope is real. I struggle just to eek out any kind of prayers. I don't have any answers. Being sucker punched requires more strength and spirit that I possess.
J......How could you be so COLD? so CALLOUS? So deceitful? How could you use the words "I love you" so flippantly, when in the background you were living another life? How could you let me show you my secrets and places that no one else on the planet has ever seen and then just walk away???? How can you use silence now as a punishment? a way to avoid? How do you do this every day, knowing that you have the power to help and heal, but yet you CHOOSE not to? How did you say the words...."I feel you, I just can't be with you"?? And what really IS the truth???? I thought that you were real. I thought that your love for me was real. Now I believe that I'm a failure in love and as a woman. I've know that failed my children again.
And why did you visit us in August? I believe that was cruelest thing. Coming and staying in my home, seemingly loving me and my daughters, talking about the future plans, wedding, tattoos....etc and with the children yet!!!!! Did you just want a good roll in the hay? a way to see if I was really here for you or not? a way to ease your conscience knowing what you were planning for us in the next two weeks?
Moving to a condo on the ocean will not erase me or my children and the promises that you made all of us....the family that we thought we were building and were part of together. I truly loved you with my whole heart, believed and trusted you, enjoyed you for who you are. How do you NOT even feel remorse over hurting me? or not even want my forgiveness? It's like you've turned off your heart just to survive. I feel pity for you, awful that you've chosen this kind of life...silence, hidden agendas and secrets.
Everyone here struggles....with anger, hurt, betrayal, and loss that you have left. I simply don't understand J. You are not the man that I thought you were. You are NOT the man that you were when you first came to me 3+ years ago. I sincerely hope that one day I can look you at your beautiful face again and get the truth or at least get a real apology, not just a patronizing forced text sent out of guilt. I'm not holding my breath though. Why would anyone seek the forgiveness of a discarded piece of trash? Why would you bother?
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