more questions

I've just come to a place where I am not sure of anything.....people, circumstances, words, the future, the past, or even God.  Nothing makes sense and the more that I try to make sense of it the worse it gets.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm exhausted from trying and trying every day, just using so much energy just to get out of bed.  I know that I need to keep going for my precious children but if I could, I would run and disappear, so no one could find me again.  I would assume a new identity, a new place to live, maybe near the mountains where I could possibly sense a bit of God and try to put a few of the pieces of my life back together. 

I wish I could ask you questions and I could get answers.  But you won't.  You hold answers that I'll never get.  Why???  Why would you hurt me like this?  What did I do to you to make you go away?  You have told me I didn't do anything to cause you to leave me, but that isn't true.  You wouldn't have left if I had been good enough or the love was really real.  Real love just doesn't "fade away".  It doesn't.    How many lies did you tell me?  How many times were the words "I love you" a lie?   And you played like faith and God were a part of this process the whole time....that's the piece that made it legitimate and believable.  I believed you with my whole heart.  How could you be so callous towards me when you knew the stakes were so high?  And now, even today, you offer nothing but silence.  All I did was love you dammit!  All I did was keep loving you and keep giving you grace and keep praying for you for months and years when all the time you were leading a double life.  Why????  Why??   

I hurt and you don't care.  My children cry and I don't have answers.  They want to fix it and try to find ways that could possibly reach you.  And I don't have answers and I discourage them from doing anything because the response is always the same....silence. 

I'm not stupid.  I'm not ugly and I'm not a piece of trash just to be discarded with no regard of my feelings or my place.  You told me that I was beautiful that you CHOSE to love me, that you chose ME.  Were all those things lies too??  And then promising with a ring that we'd be together, that my children would have a father, that I would have a husband and that we would be a family.  I simply don't understand.  It doesn't make any sense.