In the midst of the daily activities, continually coping with the physical and emotional loss and the demands of taking care of two children, I find myself in place that I've never been in before in many aspects of my life. I'm not sure of anything anymore, most of all God. Where is He? I don't know what to say and I'm sure that He won't answer even if I did say something. It's a silent prison...one that I've never been sentenced to before.
I'm being pushed to move on, "get healing", see the blessings in the mess and on and on it goes. All I feel and see is pain, raw and bleeding all over everything and everyone anywhere that I go, but it's invisible at the same time because it's socially uncomfortable for anyone to know that you're struggling or in pain.
I don't believe you God. I can't trust you. I know that I'm supposed to believe and trust you and the Bible says You are trustworthy and you love me. I just don't know how. I don't know what to believe anymore. My heart hurts and it's full of so many questions, questions, and no answers and certainly no peace. I'm afraid that there's more to come, and I'm tired, actually exhausted from loving and trying for so long. I miss him. The tears don't have an end. They just keep coming, especially in the silent parts of the night when it's just me.
My heart is broken. I hurt deep inside my being, where the private silent tears can be shed and no one sees it or cares because I just smile and keep going.
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