so it's just me....

God really DOES meet us exactly where we are, in every moment.  He IS really intimately involved in the details of life.  I've seen evidence of this in my own life as the days have enfolded: in people, circumstances (good and bad) and through words spoken or left unspoken.  I just didn't see this truth when the pain was so great.  All I could see or wanted to see was the pain. 

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly.  He delights in every detail of their lives."  Psalm 37:23

So...now it's just me and God.  A seriously terrifying unknown. The final frontier.  (Yes, I'm a Star Trek fan.)   I'm starting to walk through the grief, starting to see glimpses of life. Laughter isn't as forced anymore and getting out of bed isn't such a chore.  Grief, yes with a capital "G", is really real yet.  It can rear it's ugly head at unexpected and unwanted moments, sparred on by a smell, a scene, or even the wind blowing through my hair. Then the evidence has to be quickly wiped away, having to subsequently come up with some lame excuse to a passerby that there must have been strong perfume lingering in the air.  Love never really does "fade away" for me.  It was SO hard to believe it then and I CERTAINLY don't believe it now!  Loving with my heart is at the core of my divine wiring. Even when the person isn't physically present, the love remains and runs through almost every single body motion, thought process and circumstance. I suspect that this is part of the grieving process and the sting will soften with time but the love will remain. 

So....what's next? I don't see anything but what's in front of me.  Just more of the same.  Not that it doesn't have any substance, because I'm a Mom and that's vitally important to the future of two beautiful human beings, but  I don't see love in my life again.  When chances for a partner/mate were handed out, I think I missed the memo, or only got a one way ticket, with no funds to return. 
In addition, a life lesson has started to emerge from the rubble.  I've realized the incredible power that a simple sentence can have on the trajectory of another person's life.  It's disgusting and humbling at the same time.  My daughter would refer to this as the "domino effect", one spills into another and then another until they are all down. But what if hope can build them back up one at a time, with the contractor being the Holy Spirit. 

I'm praying to The Great Healer that the invisible, not physically present forces help to rebuild what has been damaged.  That Love, hope, joy, trust and peace will come back into focus.  I just need to seek the Kingdom first.  Everything else will be added.  His promise.  I'm holding on to that. 

reflection

I've been reflecting for weeks now, trying to make sense of things.  Not coming up with anything new with the human condition.  However, the thought did come to me....Pain makes us decide things.  It forces us to decide how we are going to think about life going forward.  Pain changes reality: the words we use, the way we look at people, the perspective on each experience of each moment.  It takes courage to decide to feel pain and even more courage to decide to think that there's hope within the pain or beyond the pain.  Who are the folks that are stronger? The ones that risk courage to hope for life again--when there is a different reality created because of the loss?  OR those who decide not to choose courage?  The loss of someone forces pain onto another person without their permission.  There are no choices.

NOW

daily grind
paper or plastic
shower, coffee, work....REPEAT
where's my heart
where's the end

silence and distance
hold words hostage
by choices of the other
ones that could help and heal

you dumped my value as trash by the side of the road
as you remained in presumed safety
behind the screen...
i pity you

where's YOUR life
protected by fear?
held by shame?

Truth is real life
allowing real love

Receive forgiveness for yourself

-Jesus

a different place

In the midst of the daily activities, continually coping with the physical and emotional loss and the demands of taking care of two children,  I find myself in place that I've never been in before in many aspects of my life.   I'm not sure of anything anymore, most of all God.  Where is He?  I don't know what to say and I'm sure that He won't answer even if I did say something.  It's a silent prison...one that I've never been sentenced to before.

I'm being pushed to move on, "get healing", see the blessings in the mess and on and on it goes.  All I feel and see is pain, raw and bleeding all over everything and everyone anywhere that I go, but it's invisible at the same time because it's socially uncomfortable for anyone to know that you're struggling or in pain. 

I don't believe you God.  I can't trust you. I know that I'm supposed to believe and trust you and the Bible says You are trustworthy and you love me.  I just don't know how.  I don't know what to believe anymore.  My heart hurts and it's full of so many questions, questions, and no answers and certainly no peace.  I'm afraid that there's more to come, and I'm tired, actually exhausted from loving and trying for so long.  I miss him.  The tears don't have an end.  They just keep coming, especially in the silent parts of the night when it's just me.

My heart is broken.  I hurt deep inside my being, where the private silent tears can be shed and no one sees it or cares because I just smile and keep going. 

more questions

I've just come to a place where I am not sure of anything.....people, circumstances, words, the future, the past, or even God.  Nothing makes sense and the more that I try to make sense of it the worse it gets.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm exhausted from trying and trying every day, just using so much energy just to get out of bed.  I know that I need to keep going for my precious children but if I could, I would run and disappear, so no one could find me again.  I would assume a new identity, a new place to live, maybe near the mountains where I could possibly sense a bit of God and try to put a few of the pieces of my life back together. 

I wish I could ask you questions and I could get answers.  But you won't.  You hold answers that I'll never get.  Why???  Why would you hurt me like this?  What did I do to you to make you go away?  You have told me I didn't do anything to cause you to leave me, but that isn't true.  You wouldn't have left if I had been good enough or the love was really real.  Real love just doesn't "fade away".  It doesn't.    How many lies did you tell me?  How many times were the words "I love you" a lie?   And you played like faith and God were a part of this process the whole time....that's the piece that made it legitimate and believable.  I believed you with my whole heart.  How could you be so callous towards me when you knew the stakes were so high?  And now, even today, you offer nothing but silence.  All I did was love you dammit!  All I did was keep loving you and keep giving you grace and keep praying for you for months and years when all the time you were leading a double life.  Why????  Why??   

I hurt and you don't care.  My children cry and I don't have answers.  They want to fix it and try to find ways that could possibly reach you.  And I don't have answers and I discourage them from doing anything because the response is always the same....silence. 

I'm not stupid.  I'm not ugly and I'm not a piece of trash just to be discarded with no regard of my feelings or my place.  You told me that I was beautiful that you CHOSE to love me, that you chose ME.  Were all those things lies too??  And then promising with a ring that we'd be together, that my children would have a father, that I would have a husband and that we would be a family.  I simply don't understand.  It doesn't make any sense. 

in the midst of the loss

"Time heals all wounds" is a common phrase some people say when they don't know WHAT to say to someone in a season of grief.    I don't believe in this.  I think that time helps us walk through the pain, betrayal and seemingly constant stream of unanswered questions. Wounds may or may not heal.  However, in the day to day, minute by minute process of trying to make sense of the loss, I've been confronted with questions about God and my worth or the lack thereof.  Does love really just "fade away"?  I don't understand that.  I guess that's the reason that after hearing those words, I still have a sense of bewilderment and being totally blindsided.

Did he just take advantage of my love, knowing that I would continue to be loyal and trusting because I wouldn't know what his life was really like 950 miles away? And I WOULDN'T have found out anything either!!  I know that Christie was a relationship that he had for a year....the same year that he was supposedly having a long distance relationship with me. And he sought HER out through a dating website.   Was it about making sure he had access to sex? Going to Daytona together too.     Doesn't that make me look stupid?    And then now there's the claim that "he's struggling too" as he moves to a condo in Florida, only 6 weeks after his "breakup email" dropping me like a stone, saying that the reason for me leaving was his job. Yeah, right.   I don't believe that he's struggling or that the job had anything to do with it.    He had a plan the whole time and I was played like a fiddle.  He's a researcher, a planner, a thinker and doesn't do anything without thinking through it and contemplating all the possible outcomes and having it all well laid out.

It makes me feel used and foolish, like a discarded piece of trash.

How could he be so dishonest?   I think he's a COWARD, hiding behind silence and the screen in front of him.  He avoids really confronting the "real" issues of life and relationships, the stuff that may be hard to walk through, but definitely necessary if you want to have any REAL life, honest living.  I think he's lived in fear for so long that he doesn't know any other way TO live.   REAL life is lived in TRUTH, whether it be hard to face or not.

Was I just a means to an end?  A way to get him through the "hard" place in his life?  only to return to a relationship that he over and over said was "TOXIC" for him?????

I know that one of the worst aspects of all of this is the shame, the constant aching inside my being that I loved him with my whole self, my whole heart, and now there's nothing but betrayal and rejection.   A hole, a loss, and so much damage for myself and my family, so many layers of pain.  I know that I haven't seen the depth of it or the ripples that will reach into many areas of my life and my children's lives. And for him to casually discard me and my feelings is downright disgusting for me.  To think that at one time, he acted like I did matter, saying things like "you only need to be yourself....that's all I want", and now there's not even the simple regard for my existence.  I shake my head in disgust both at myself and my utter faithfulness to him in the midst of this.

Now I question God's love for me and His "real" concern for my feelings or words.  I question my worth.  I question whether I'll be alone for the rest of my life and whether or not that would be the safest route to take.  I ask whether dreams are a fallacy. I question whether I can trust my own judgment or if I should really stay OUT of other people's lives. I ask myself almost daily if hope is real. I struggle just to eek out any kind of prayers.  I don't have any answers.  Being sucker punched requires more strength and spirit that I possess. 

J......How could you be so COLD?  so CALLOUS?  So deceitful?  How could you use the words "I love you" so flippantly, when in the background you were living another life?  How could you let me show you my secrets and places that no one else on the planet has ever seen and then just walk away????    How can you use silence now as a punishment?  a way to avoid?  How do you do this every day, knowing that you have the power to help and heal, but yet you CHOOSE not to?    How did you say the words...."I feel you, I just can't be with you"??  And what really IS the truth????  I thought that you were real.  I thought that your love for me was real. Now I believe that I'm a failure in love and as a woman.   I've know that failed my children again.

And why did you visit us in August?  I believe that was cruelest thing. Coming and staying in my home, seemingly loving me and my daughters, talking about the future plans, wedding, tattoos....etc and with the children yet!!!!!  Did you just want a good roll in the hay?  a way to see if I was really here for you or not? a way to ease your conscience knowing what you were planning for us in the next two weeks?

Moving to a condo on the ocean will not erase me or my children and the promises that you made all of us....the family that we thought we were building and were part of together.    I truly loved you with my whole heart, believed and trusted you, enjoyed you for who you are.    How do you NOT even feel remorse over hurting me?  or not even want my forgiveness? It's like you've turned off your heart just to survive.  I feel pity for you, awful that you've chosen this kind of life...silence, hidden agendas and secrets.

Everyone here struggles....with anger, hurt, betrayal, and loss that you have left.   I simply don't understand J.  You are not the man that I thought you were. You are NOT the man that you were when you first came to me 3+ years ago.    I sincerely hope that one day I can look you at your beautiful face again and get the truth or at least get a real apology, not just a patronizing forced text sent out of guilt.    I'm not holding my breath though.  Why would anyone seek the forgiveness of a discarded piece of trash?  Why would you bother?

Thrown under the bus

This place could be described:   "had the rug pulled out from underneath you", "cut off at the knees",  dumbfounded, blindsided, "thrown under the bus" or just to put it bluntly...betrayed.  There's the disorientation, utter devastation, confusion, anger, overwhelming sadness, and my personal favorite...denial, saying that this can't POSSIBLY be happening.  These are all part of the package that now becomes a constant companion.  Then the strike of intense pain at any random moment, coming at your inner being like a tidal wave, for no reason other than the fact that the energy necessary to keep the pain at bay has given way.  The flow of tears that results is uncomfortable, even embarrassing at times, but certainly unavoidable.  In short, the pain is intense, and there is no explanation.  And there's no going back, no apparent way to repair the situation and no escape.

Learning about silence

Hello Father God,

It's me C.  I know that you are good.  You've been speaking to me all day through your Word and through the circumstances of my life and through the people, both those that chose to participate and those that didn't.  I'm asking you to give me peace in whatever you bring into my life, be it painful or happy.  Please show me that you continue to work on my behalf even if I don't have the slightest idea what you're doing or why things happen as they do.

I'm struggling with anger, pain, disappointment and anxiety.   I wake repeatedly during the night thinking that something will be on my phone as an answer to my prayers for him to be there, but he isn't.    Please Abba cause my heart to see what is best and that You DO love me and ARE caring for me.

I want this so much my body aches, my heart hurts and my stomach is constantly in knots.  The silence is hard.  You are teaching me gently with your Holy Spirit to talk to YOU in the silence, that it's not really bad, but an opportunity to talk to you and pour my heart out to you and that you listen and hear me.

I love him Abba.  I dreamed of being partner, his wife.  That one day he would want me, like he did.  I wanted a father for my daughters.  HIM.  Not what he does, not his money, not his status, not even for the fact that I would be part of his family, but just the privilege of being with him, to enjoy him, to talk with him, to share the daily moments and walk together, loving, growing together in faith.

  Do I love too much?  Is he so used to being abused and talked down to that he doesn't know what to do with kindness?  Is he not interested anymore?    I can't keep pushing, because I feel at times, that I'm the only one trying and if I stop trying, he wouldn't even notice anyway.  That makes me so sad, rejected actually.    Maybe one day he'll notice.    I hope he does.  I am hoping and praying that he is part of YOUR plan for me.

Thank you Father Daddy for the gift of love, the sweet memories, especially the ones on the bike with him in the Smoky Mountains.  It was a fulfillment of a dream, a SWEEEET dream that I get to relive over and over.  No one can take them away from me, not even him.

Would you bless him Father God?  Cause him to grow and hunger for Christ and YOUR Word more than anything in his present life, more than his job, more than anything, because I know that's where TRUE life really is!!  Bless him with health, sleep and healed family relationships that bless him all the way to his last days.  Bless him Father with love and peace, from only Jesus and with success YOUR way, not in his definition.  Hold him close and protect him from fear, angry and disappointment.  Please help him to remember me as someone that loved him dearly for who he is.  Whisper in his heart that I'm a lady who believes in him and wants nothing but the BEST for him all the days of his life, with every prayer that I lift up for him.  Would you tell him he was blessed by loving me?

You are a gracious God.  I love you Abba.  Thank you for listening.  In Jesus name I pray you hear my heart and cradle both my daughters hearts in the days and months to come.  They are going to need you more than ever.    Your daughter, C