REALITY

So....where do I start? It's hell to be forced to give up on a dream.....slowly watch it fade, watch it disappear into what you thought was a  "for sure", but now you only hold on to a thread of hope.  I guess I realized it today as I was given only a 19 minute phone conversation after a week of not speaking, only texting sporatically.  To end it with a question "when will I hear from you again?"  He said this evening but as of now, nothing.  
I've tried to tell him that I'm tired of waiting days and days to talk.  That it feels like I'm begging for crumbs.  Its degrading, disrespectful.  

I've told him my need to see him, that I miss him, that my anxiety about us is a struggle.    I miss him terribly.  

He did pursue me.  We fell in love.....couldn't wait to talk to one another.  Told each other all the personal secrets you only reveal to your beloved.  He'd hold my hand or just stand next to me and my whole body would tingle.  He made me feel beautiful inside and out.  Something that I've never felt with ANOTHER man.  He was my friend, my best friend.

It's been months and months....he's killing himself with his job.   Does the job really demand all of this time or does he just feel that he HAS to put in that amount of time just to do the job to meet his own expectations of perfection?

He's killing us too. I feel like I have to make an appointment with him.  I wait for the phone to go off with his text tone "choo, choo".  That's all that there is.  I'm tired of asking to be seen and heard and dressing up just to get his attention, when I used to be able to just BE and that would be enough.  

The saddest part of all is not for my heart, because EVENTUALLY I'll stop grieving, but what about the hearts of my children??   I'm praying that this time around, God will spare them of the deep scars like from the other person.  

Oh Father God....I've prayed so many prayers.   All I have is hope to see him again and tell him to his face that I love him.  That he changed my life and helped me to lean hard on YOU.   I'm letting go...giving up.  Not my will Lord, but yours.  Please love him deeply, doing everything You can to pursue him and keep him close to you, because only THERE is life.  

I love you J.... MORE than you can imagine. I'm sorry for hurting you in any way or being someone that disappoints you.    I hope you remember me as someone who has added to your life, that I was there for you and you know that I love you for who you are.  That has always been my prayer.    You've helped me grow in ways that I couldn't have without you. You are a beautiful  man. You're the one.  There will be no other.  I'm letting you go, hoping that one day, just like at the beginning you'll find me again, only this time you'll stay.   

The woman

The story that I read was the story of the woman at the well in John 4.  

Good morning Father Papa,  Thank you for time here.  I’m picturing myself in the scene with you at the well with the woman.  I am that woman.  She was ashamed of her life, of who she was--just wanting love and looking in all the wrong places.  Nothing has seemed to have worked out for her so far--then she has this “chance” encounter with YOU!  You were sitting there before she even arrived.  You knew she was coming and that she would be there.  I bet You thought about her before she even got there.  You already loved her...felt her pain.  You wanted to lift her, save her--gently show her truth, that you would wait for her.   You were alone so it would be private, not disrespectful for her.  What honor you showed her.  What respect. What love for her.  She needed You and she didn’t know it yet, but You did.  You wanted to be there.  You waited to make an invitation to her---for her.  I AM that woman.  I relate to her on so many levels, especially her heart.  I can imagine her shame for being who she is, wanting NOT to be noticed in one way, but desperately needing to be in another way.

You've met me so many times at the well and have given me living water. You've honored me, spoken gentle words, held me and told me "I love you Clare", when I all do is cry as you hold me. Thank you for being a gentleman, not forcing your way on me, but loving me, speaking to me, encouraging me and meeting me where I'm at, never condemning, not one harsh word. You've been faithful every day of my life, even when I've been the wayward child or haven't believed a word You've said. You patiently waited and never stopped loving me.

Help me Jesus to be that loving, that patient, that faithful to the people that are in my life. Do in me what I can't possibly do for myself. I am so very grateful for your faithful love, gentle guiding hand and never changing character. I count on it, especially in the night when it's the hardest. Thank you Jesus!

Changes.....

What do you do when the person you are in love with changes?  Yes, you adapt and "go with the flow".  But what if the changes seem to pulling that person away from you and you wonder whether they want to participate in the relationship anymore or not.  Their words say "yes", but the intensity of the "want to" isn't there anymore and the amount of time has diminished to a point where you feel guilty asking for their time.  Do you ride it out???  Do you ask for what you need and risk pushing them away further?  

I'm sad...the distance is challenging...I feel like a single parent again and I don't even know if you want to parent with me or not.  I wanna tell you how I feel so that you hear me....but will you REALLY hear me??   I've tried....I've really tried.  I want to be understanding.  I want to be loving.  I tried to listen, I've tried to be patient, to be present for you and your needs....but you aren't for mine.  I feel like I get the leftovers, if that.    There are times when I feel like you avoid me or just put up with me, to pacify me, just to get yourself through.  

I need you.....be present for me.  Come back to me.  I miss the connection.  I miss the comfort.  And if you can't, please be honest, and tell me to stay away.  

The "next thing"....building on the same theme....TRUST

I've entered into what writer Wendy Pope in her book Wait and See describes as "the next thing".  Waiting for the man of my dreams without many words of communication, where once there was many.  In other words, holding onto his words of integrity, believing in the love that's been there consistently in the past without many, if any reminders today.  Putting his needs before mine and submitting to the care of a known God.  Continuing to love, support and encourage without getting much, if anything in return.  Is this what love is all about?  God has told me to "keep loving him" and "keep believing".  I heard that just yesterday, twice.

I don't know how to love like this.  My selfishness and the past tapes in my head SCREAM in my head "What about me?? When is it my turn?"  Isn't this a lot like the place that I just left, where I loved and gave and loved and gave, put his needs before mine, and then time after time I got hurt.

And I ask the question....is there still something to wait for? Or am I jumping to conclusions again?

It comes down to my focus...am I focused on what I have or what isn't happening? Am I so accustomed to the pain that this is what I expect?  That the cycle has been silence begets pain and I'm to blame, and I must have done something.  Now I have to fix it somehow.

Now silence has to become my friend despite my feelings of panic and fear.  I need to have a mantra of God being bigger than my feelings and smarter than what I see and that He REALLY DOES understand all aspects of my situation, having them all in His control.

Prayer:  Lord, help me not to worry that he's going to hurt me.  Lord, help me believe that this "next thing" will bring me closer to you and I don't have to worry.  You've got this.  I need YOU to do this in me, because it's beyond me, way beyond me.  Move with Your Holy Spirit, I pray.  Help me love this man the way you would have me love him.

The battle about self

True humility is defined by C.S. Lewis as "not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less."  That means putting the needs of others before self.  Boy, is this a battle about self, or what??  Scripture goes on to say in James 4:6 NLT, "God opposes the proud but give grace to the humble."    Or in plain English....God resists or goes to battle against the proud.  That sure does put it in perspective, doesn't it?  Digging a little deeper though, it's about TRUST.  Trusting that as I set aside my own selfish desires, wants, needs and focus on the needs of others, God's heart of LOVE will take care of me.  He will meet my needs, hear my prayers, see my tears,  mend my heart and do His best for me.  I need to make a choice to trust His heart.

Oh Lord, this is honestly hard. This position calls for courage.  Courage that alone I can't muster.  Do IN me Lord, what I can't do for myself.  Change me, infuse me, get inside of my head....my thoughts, my ideas, my patterns of thinking and help me get a revelation that Your heart towards me is good.  That I can trust YOU, even when the negative thoughts about my circumstances scream at me inside my head and beg me to control, manipulate and get my way....to relieve my fear....especially when I don't see you with my natural eyes.  Put a gag on the voice of the enemy when I desperately feel the need for affirmation of Your Love for me and I don't get it. Help me to remember to speak YOUR truth out into the spiritual realm, so that fear won't overtake my mind and heart.  Draw me close Lord.  Help me to bow in humility, and not throw a tantrum in selfishness.    

Misconceptions

I believe that God has a unique relationship with each person.  WOW!  Isn't that a thought!!  HE speaks to each one of us in a special way....either by circumstances, worship, songs, spoken words from others or maybe through a book that we start to read.  We may be drawn to the title because of the particular life situation we find ourselves in.  God is currently speaking to me through the book I'm reading....to get me to think differently about HIM and my view of the world.

So...the book is entitled Wait and See by Wendy Pope.  It's about God's purpose for our waiting and waiting well as a woman of God.  I'm not so sure I fit the "woman of God" category but the waiting part certainly fits.

Here's the thing that slapped me in the face this morning...."misconceptions about waiting".  I didn't think that there could be so many lies about waiting that the enemy would throw at me, but there are.  And the way that he uses those lies to lead you away from the Person of my faith and get my eyes to focus intensely on the "OBJECT of my wait".  I've sinned....plain and simple.  I've let the enemy pull me away from God and look daily on what I don't have, what's NOT happening.

Misconception #1  If I am waiting, I must not have heard God correctly.
"We give up too easily because we don't see what we want to see when we want to see it."  I need to fight my negative thoughts and emotions along this journey by revisiting the times when I've heard and felt the Holy Spirit's voice or nudging.  Traveling down memory lane is something that I need to do, as well as asking God for clarity and assurance.

I think the part that hit me the hardest was when she suggested that it's important to "invite God into our wait from the beginning".  I know that I haven't done that.  I've tried so many things on my own and nothing has worked.    That walking with Him, not in front of Him, behind Him or completely on my own, hopefully will teach me to TRUST His delays rather than doubt His ways.  I NEVER thought about TRUSTING His delay.

Fighting the spirit of discouragement on my knees, referencing Isaiah 64:4 -
"For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither have the eye seen, O God, beside you, what He has PREPARED for him that wait for Him."
The invitation of this verse is to direct the lens of my hopes, desires, and dreams to God, rather than the object of my wait.

I'm learning Lord.  You are a patient teacher, one that doesn't mind reteaching and using all kinds of methods of repeating the same concept until my stubborn will and brain get it.  I am sorry....for my stubbornness, my lack of trust, my lack of prayer and turning to You, but mostly I'm sorry for hurting someone that I dearly love in the process.

Prayer:  Gracious God, Thank you for this book.  I haven't heard you say anything about this circumstance but "just keep loving him".  I know that's the place of peace because those instructions came from YOU.  All the other things that I thought I heard were words from the enemy, working diligently to get me to focus on my fears and my present wait.  Help me God to TRUST Your delay, not doubt what You are doing.  Force me down on my knees to pray instead of worry.  Nudge me OFTEN to go down memory lane where the memories are sweet and bring joy and love to my soul.  I ask for your forgiveness and grace, Lord.  Give me another chance.  In His name I come to your throne of mercy.  Jesus.... Amen.  

Words

As I pen these words, I first ask the Holy Spirit to guide my fingers as they tiptoe over the keys.  I want God to speak through and in my words.  You see, words, I've been told, are containers of power, either for life or for death.  But what I didn't realize is that words can be part of the way that we think about relationships, either being one that's life-giving or one that produces fear, shame and unpredictability.  I've also learned that love, communicated through words isn't predictable. It's UNpredictable.  At least, that's the way it was. Something said one day, was good just for that day or only that moment.  I learned quickly that words and their meanings were temporary, as was the moment they were spoken.  Furthermore, the person that spoke the words was also unpredictable, because the same words spoken another day could mean, and many times DID mean something different.  My memory, instead of being a friend I relied on, became an enemy, because when I went back to it, I was told, "You heard that wrong" or "I never said that". that I was confused.  It even got to the point that I couldn't even believe myself.  

The power of words to communicate love, feelings, ideas, emotions:  to help one person to connect to another was altered/damaged, and so was the soul that lived by those words. Then I took that relationship that I had with the unpredictability of words into my adult life and used it as a the filter for which future relationships was based.  

Now I'm involved with a man that really LOVES and what he says is what he means, and what he means is what he says.  He loves with his faithfulness, his consistency, his integrity, his words and actions being the same every day, believing in the couple that we have come to be.  Then there's me who doesn't know how to believe that LOVE could stay like that over the course of days, months or years, because it never has been REAL love like this before.   

What's more is that the soul that is damaged, can't see the WORD of God as being one that is predictable or alive FOR me, because it's SO much out of the sphere of what I've always experienced "normal" to be.  

So, God is teaching me about words.  Words ARE containers of power....either for love or fear, giving life or producing fear.  He is teaching me that the world that I grew up in needs to be healed by His Spirit...to transform the relationship that I have with words.    

Prayer:  Lord, I desperately want to believe in YOUR WORD, the Word of LOVE from you and from others.  Teach me, show me, reveal to me what words are real and what words I should discard.  Transform my hearing, my thinking, my damaged soul so that I can believe in words spoken out of love, that they won't be taken from me.  Help me to believe in LOVE, in BEING LOVED, not always afraid that love will be taken away at a moment's notice without warning or provocation. Teach me Lord that YOU love me and that He loves me too.  Help my unbelief.  In Jesus' healing blood I pray.....