Thrown under the bus

This place could be described:   "had the rug pulled out from underneath you", "cut off at the knees",  dumbfounded, blindsided, "thrown under the bus" or just to put it bluntly...betrayed.  There's the disorientation, utter devastation, confusion, anger, overwhelming sadness, and my personal favorite...denial, saying that this can't POSSIBLY be happening.  These are all part of the package that now becomes a constant companion.  Then the strike of intense pain at any random moment, coming at your inner being like a tidal wave, for no reason other than the fact that the energy necessary to keep the pain at bay has given way.  The flow of tears that results is uncomfortable, even embarrassing at times, but certainly unavoidable.  In short, the pain is intense, and there is no explanation.  And there's no going back, no apparent way to repair the situation and no escape.

Learning about silence

Hello Father God,

It's me C.  I know that you are good.  You've been speaking to me all day through your Word and through the circumstances of my life and through the people, both those that chose to participate and those that didn't.  I'm asking you to give me peace in whatever you bring into my life, be it painful or happy.  Please show me that you continue to work on my behalf even if I don't have the slightest idea what you're doing or why things happen as they do.

I'm struggling with anger, pain, disappointment and anxiety.   I wake repeatedly during the night thinking that something will be on my phone as an answer to my prayers for him to be there, but he isn't.    Please Abba cause my heart to see what is best and that You DO love me and ARE caring for me.

I want this so much my body aches, my heart hurts and my stomach is constantly in knots.  The silence is hard.  You are teaching me gently with your Holy Spirit to talk to YOU in the silence, that it's not really bad, but an opportunity to talk to you and pour my heart out to you and that you listen and hear me.

I love him Abba.  I dreamed of being partner, his wife.  That one day he would want me, like he did.  I wanted a father for my daughters.  HIM.  Not what he does, not his money, not his status, not even for the fact that I would be part of his family, but just the privilege of being with him, to enjoy him, to talk with him, to share the daily moments and walk together, loving, growing together in faith.

  Do I love too much?  Is he so used to being abused and talked down to that he doesn't know what to do with kindness?  Is he not interested anymore?    I can't keep pushing, because I feel at times, that I'm the only one trying and if I stop trying, he wouldn't even notice anyway.  That makes me so sad, rejected actually.    Maybe one day he'll notice.    I hope he does.  I am hoping and praying that he is part of YOUR plan for me.

Thank you Father Daddy for the gift of love, the sweet memories, especially the ones on the bike with him in the Smoky Mountains.  It was a fulfillment of a dream, a SWEEEET dream that I get to relive over and over.  No one can take them away from me, not even him.

Would you bless him Father God?  Cause him to grow and hunger for Christ and YOUR Word more than anything in his present life, more than his job, more than anything, because I know that's where TRUE life really is!!  Bless him with health, sleep and healed family relationships that bless him all the way to his last days.  Bless him Father with love and peace, from only Jesus and with success YOUR way, not in his definition.  Hold him close and protect him from fear, angry and disappointment.  Please help him to remember me as someone that loved him dearly for who he is.  Whisper in his heart that I'm a lady who believes in him and wants nothing but the BEST for him all the days of his life, with every prayer that I lift up for him.  Would you tell him he was blessed by loving me?

You are a gracious God.  I love you Abba.  Thank you for listening.  In Jesus name I pray you hear my heart and cradle both my daughters hearts in the days and months to come.  They are going to need you more than ever.    Your daughter, C

REALITY

So....where do I start? It's hell to be forced to give up on a dream.....slowly watch it fade, watch it disappear into what you thought was a  "for sure", but now you only hold on to a thread of hope.  I guess I realized it today as I was given only a 19 minute phone conversation after a week of not speaking, only texting sporatically.  To end it with a question "when will I hear from you again?"  He said this evening but as of now, nothing.  
I've tried to tell him that I'm tired of waiting days and days to talk.  That it feels like I'm begging for crumbs.  Its degrading, disrespectful.  

I've told him my need to see him, that I miss him, that my anxiety about us is a struggle.    I miss him terribly.  

He did pursue me.  We fell in love.....couldn't wait to talk to one another.  Told each other all the personal secrets you only reveal to your beloved.  He'd hold my hand or just stand next to me and my whole body would tingle.  He made me feel beautiful inside and out.  Something that I've never felt with ANOTHER man.  He was my friend, my best friend.

It's been months and months....he's killing himself with his job.   Does the job really demand all of this time or does he just feel that he HAS to put in that amount of time just to do the job to meet his own expectations of perfection?

He's killing us too. I feel like I have to make an appointment with him.  I wait for the phone to go off with his text tone "choo, choo".  That's all that there is.  I'm tired of asking to be seen and heard and dressing up just to get his attention, when I used to be able to just BE and that would be enough.  

The saddest part of all is not for my heart, because EVENTUALLY I'll stop grieving, but what about the hearts of my children??   I'm praying that this time around, God will spare them of the deep scars like from the other person.  

Oh Father God....I've prayed so many prayers.   All I have is hope to see him again and tell him to his face that I love him.  That he changed my life and helped me to lean hard on YOU.   I'm letting go...giving up.  Not my will Lord, but yours.  Please love him deeply, doing everything You can to pursue him and keep him close to you, because only THERE is life.  

I love you J.... MORE than you can imagine. I'm sorry for hurting you in any way or being someone that disappoints you.    I hope you remember me as someone who has added to your life, that I was there for you and you know that I love you for who you are.  That has always been my prayer.    You've helped me grow in ways that I couldn't have without you. You are a beautiful  man. You're the one.  There will be no other.  I'm letting you go, hoping that one day, just like at the beginning you'll find me again, only this time you'll stay.   

The woman

The story that I read was the story of the woman at the well in John 4.  

Good morning Father Papa,  Thank you for time here.  I’m picturing myself in the scene with you at the well with the woman.  I am that woman.  She was ashamed of her life, of who she was--just wanting love and looking in all the wrong places.  Nothing has seemed to have worked out for her so far--then she has this “chance” encounter with YOU!  You were sitting there before she even arrived.  You knew she was coming and that she would be there.  I bet You thought about her before she even got there.  You already loved her...felt her pain.  You wanted to lift her, save her--gently show her truth, that you would wait for her.   You were alone so it would be private, not disrespectful for her.  What honor you showed her.  What respect. What love for her.  She needed You and she didn’t know it yet, but You did.  You wanted to be there.  You waited to make an invitation to her---for her.  I AM that woman.  I relate to her on so many levels, especially her heart.  I can imagine her shame for being who she is, wanting NOT to be noticed in one way, but desperately needing to be in another way.

You've met me so many times at the well and have given me living water. You've honored me, spoken gentle words, held me and told me "I love you Clare", when I all do is cry as you hold me. Thank you for being a gentleman, not forcing your way on me, but loving me, speaking to me, encouraging me and meeting me where I'm at, never condemning, not one harsh word. You've been faithful every day of my life, even when I've been the wayward child or haven't believed a word You've said. You patiently waited and never stopped loving me.

Help me Jesus to be that loving, that patient, that faithful to the people that are in my life. Do in me what I can't possibly do for myself. I am so very grateful for your faithful love, gentle guiding hand and never changing character. I count on it, especially in the night when it's the hardest. Thank you Jesus!

Changes.....

What do you do when the person you are in love with changes?  Yes, you adapt and "go with the flow".  But what if the changes seem to pulling that person away from you and you wonder whether they want to participate in the relationship anymore or not.  Their words say "yes", but the intensity of the "want to" isn't there anymore and the amount of time has diminished to a point where you feel guilty asking for their time.  Do you ride it out???  Do you ask for what you need and risk pushing them away further?  

I'm sad...the distance is challenging...I feel like a single parent again and I don't even know if you want to parent with me or not.  I wanna tell you how I feel so that you hear me....but will you REALLY hear me??   I've tried....I've really tried.  I want to be understanding.  I want to be loving.  I tried to listen, I've tried to be patient, to be present for you and your needs....but you aren't for mine.  I feel like I get the leftovers, if that.    There are times when I feel like you avoid me or just put up with me, to pacify me, just to get yourself through.  

I need you.....be present for me.  Come back to me.  I miss the connection.  I miss the comfort.  And if you can't, please be honest, and tell me to stay away.  

The "next thing"....building on the same theme....TRUST

I've entered into what writer Wendy Pope in her book Wait and See describes as "the next thing".  Waiting for the man of my dreams without many words of communication, where once there was many.  In other words, holding onto his words of integrity, believing in the love that's been there consistently in the past without many, if any reminders today.  Putting his needs before mine and submitting to the care of a known God.  Continuing to love, support and encourage without getting much, if anything in return.  Is this what love is all about?  God has told me to "keep loving him" and "keep believing".  I heard that just yesterday, twice.

I don't know how to love like this.  My selfishness and the past tapes in my head SCREAM in my head "What about me?? When is it my turn?"  Isn't this a lot like the place that I just left, where I loved and gave and loved and gave, put his needs before mine, and then time after time I got hurt.

And I ask the question....is there still something to wait for? Or am I jumping to conclusions again?

It comes down to my focus...am I focused on what I have or what isn't happening? Am I so accustomed to the pain that this is what I expect?  That the cycle has been silence begets pain and I'm to blame, and I must have done something.  Now I have to fix it somehow.

Now silence has to become my friend despite my feelings of panic and fear.  I need to have a mantra of God being bigger than my feelings and smarter than what I see and that He REALLY DOES understand all aspects of my situation, having them all in His control.

Prayer:  Lord, help me not to worry that he's going to hurt me.  Lord, help me believe that this "next thing" will bring me closer to you and I don't have to worry.  You've got this.  I need YOU to do this in me, because it's beyond me, way beyond me.  Move with Your Holy Spirit, I pray.  Help me love this man the way you would have me love him.

The battle about self

True humility is defined by C.S. Lewis as "not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less."  That means putting the needs of others before self.  Boy, is this a battle about self, or what??  Scripture goes on to say in James 4:6 NLT, "God opposes the proud but give grace to the humble."    Or in plain English....God resists or goes to battle against the proud.  That sure does put it in perspective, doesn't it?  Digging a little deeper though, it's about TRUST.  Trusting that as I set aside my own selfish desires, wants, needs and focus on the needs of others, God's heart of LOVE will take care of me.  He will meet my needs, hear my prayers, see my tears,  mend my heart and do His best for me.  I need to make a choice to trust His heart.

Oh Lord, this is honestly hard. This position calls for courage.  Courage that alone I can't muster.  Do IN me Lord, what I can't do for myself.  Change me, infuse me, get inside of my head....my thoughts, my ideas, my patterns of thinking and help me get a revelation that Your heart towards me is good.  That I can trust YOU, even when the negative thoughts about my circumstances scream at me inside my head and beg me to control, manipulate and get my way....to relieve my fear....especially when I don't see you with my natural eyes.  Put a gag on the voice of the enemy when I desperately feel the need for affirmation of Your Love for me and I don't get it. Help me to remember to speak YOUR truth out into the spiritual realm, so that fear won't overtake my mind and heart.  Draw me close Lord.  Help me to bow in humility, and not throw a tantrum in selfishness.